The Irish public are reeling today after twenty-eight-year-old Connor Dunn formally announced his retirement from going out and getting drunk.
Dunn made the announcement earlier today after summoning numerous friends and reporters to his home, just outside Rathangan, Co. Kildare.
“Thank you for coming,” said Dunn after stepping outside clad in a suit and tie. “I have gathered you here today to formally announce my retirement from going out.”
Dunn’s announcement was met by gasps and cries of horror, as well as calls for “one more sesh”.
However, he remained steadfast in his decision to leave the drinking world, and encouraged his friends to follow his example and throw in the towel (with which they have been wiping up their vomit for over a decade).
Dunn has since been branded a traitor by his former drinking buddies, who are now wondering how they didn’t see the signs that he was losing interest in going out.
“Last time we went out, he barely drank anything,” said one of Dunn’s devastated friends. “He had like a dozen pints and that was it.”
Another of Dunn’s comrades, distraught by the news of the man’s retirement, attempted to take his own life by not overdosing on yokes.
Connor Dunn has organised his retirement party for next Saturday.